Why?

Why is it so difficult and weird to add a post to WordPress? Why do I have to sign in on the wordpress site instead of my own blog? And why do I have to go through all this rigamarole in order to post a new post?

I miss Vox. There were many good things about it. ::sigh::

(There are good things about WordPress too. I think I just haven’t spent enough time on here. But it just saved my draft and I like that.)

I’m going to spend a little less time on other areas of the internet and spend more time here. I find a few other places are irritating me and I miss writing about things I like, things I’ve read, things I’ve seen. Me, me, me.

Have YOU missed my narcissism? (Probably not, eh?)

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Posted in Me, Wordpress | 1 Comment

QotD: Movie Soundtrack

What’s the best movie soundtrack of all time?

Do you like real country music? Like real, real country music? If so, I highly recommend the Traveller soundtrack. No idea how good the movie is (never watched it) but most of the music? Amazing. There are a few songs that I choose not to listen because… well, those ones suck (if you listen, tell me which ones you think I mean). But I think it’s maybe 4 songs out of 17 which is a pretty good percentage for me. (I take unreasonable dislikes to some things. I don’t know why and I’m trying to change.)

Anyway, take a listen. Let me know you think.

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Posted in Country, Music Reviews, QoTD, Reviews | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

QotD: Up in the Air

Do you ever call friends or use the Internet when flying or do you use airplane time as an opportunity to unwind, read, or talk to strangers? How do you usually pass the time when you’re in the air?
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Do I seem like I’m made of money? If I’m flying, I’m crammed in like a sardine in a little tiny seat, desperately grasping my iPod for music to distract me from my gradual feeling of claustrophobia.

(Did I put enough description in a single sentence?)

I don’t really talk to strangers, mostly because I work in law enforcement (not actively, I’m not a cop) and I know what can happen if someone is a little too matey with a seatmate. Plus if the person is annoying, I’d be stuck sitting with them, pretending to find their conversation fascinating OR I’d have to be rude and just start ignoring them. I know it’s an odd choice since not speaking is also slightly rude but I’d rather be kind of rude than outright rude. (That makes sense, right?)

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Posted in Me, QoTD | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments

I don’t know what to write

It's so weird. I wanted to come back here but I have no idea what to write. I don't have anything really interesting going on in my life (oh, I just got the full-time job I wanted. Now I can start looking for my new car!) and anything that IS interesting, I've posted on Twitter all ready and it just seems like a weird thing to post it again.

Hm.

I… like cheese.

I know, not my best effort. Actually, I'm reading some quite interesting books and things but I haven't finished them so I don't fully know what I think of them right now. I'm actually on a Chris Hedges kick right now. I'm in the middle of American Fascists and I Don't Believe in Atheists. He has an interesting view of religion and, especially, what's going on in the US right now.

For me, it's interesting because I haven't liked the tone of politics for quite a while. There seems to be so much division that I don't understand how they can get anything done. And they can't. My own government can't even figure out how to release documents on how they gave prisoners over to another government that we KNEW would torture them.

That's not a good sentence, is it? Sorry, I'm on night shifts right now and my brain isn't working properly. I'm not sure I really like working 3s.

Basically, there are documents that prove that the Canadian government released prisoners to another government who then went on to torture those same prisoners, something that is a no-no within Canadian laws. If we, as a government, know (or even, I believe, suspect) a prisoner will be tortured by the people who receive these prisoners, we have a duty to keep those prisoners with us until we can ensure their safety.

Yes, I know it sounds a little strange that we care about prisoners but I know someone's said that how we treat our prisoners/enemies is how we should be viewed. If we kick the shit out of them or let someone else do it, how are we any better than animals?

Yes, I added that last part. I think the person who actually said the beginning part probably said something a little more flowery and pretty. And most likely didn't curse.

Then the other one is about the militant atheism, comparing it to any other militant religion. I actually haven't started that one yet but I will. I work 12 hours at a shot. I have time.

So… that's my life right now. Oh, I also have some fun books on the back burner. I've finally broken down and gotten two Barry Eisler books from the library (Barry? Do I even have his name correct?) so that'll be interesting. He's funny on Twitter so I'll give him a try. I also have the new Holly Black, White Cat. I've loved her other books so I don't see how this one will disappoint. Why do I feel that should have ended with a dun dun DUUUUUUNNNNN?

Huh. For someone who didn't know what to write about, I wrote a lot. Maybe I'll do a My Favourite Boys post next. Men. Love them so much.

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QotD: Anywhere but Here?

Where would you really like to be right this second?

Right this second? So many place. I love my hometown but:

1) New York – If you don't love New York, I'm not sure I know you. How can you not love Broadway shows, Time Square, hell, just the whole feel of New York? I'm not sure how well I would have done in old New York but I know I love new New York.

2) Mexico – I know, I know. But it's not as sunny here and I don't live at an all inclusive. I just want to be laying out beside a pool with a pool boy bringing me potent drinks as I read books and tan my incandescently white legs and belly. I know Mexico has a proud history blah blah blah. I just want to drink, read books and sit. Sue me.

3) Nice – Neeeeeeece, pronounce it proudly! Never been there? For my money, I'd choose Nice over Paris. I met the friendliest people, had the best food, sat out on a beautiful beach when I went. Paris was nice but it wasn't my city. Nice was and so was Provence. If you like a more mellow feel, those are two of the most beautiful cities ever.

4) Tuscany – That movie, Under a Tuscan Sun, really sold it. I've always wanted to go to Italy but after the movie, it made it almost an ache. It calls to me in the same way Provence and Nice call to me but differently than New York calls.

I love you city where I live right now but I would really like an extended visit elsewhere.

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Hey…

So I just figured out my work place lets me post comments on Vox.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!

That's why I've been commentless for so long. I wasn't able to get in to comment and there were issues with reading and blah blah blah. I love you guys and I give you all hugs.

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Too Much About Me

WARNING: THIS IS LONG-ISH AND DEPRESSING. YOU'RE WELCOME TO SKIP THIS.

So I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. For me, as an intensely private person, I find it difficult to publicly soul-search but at the same time, I have questions about myself that I need to bounce off someone who may judge me but at the same time, is not nearby so I won't see you judging me.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, here goes:

About two weeks ago, my grandfather tried to kill himself. It was one more selfish act in a long line of selfish acts from an intensely selfish and self-absorbed man. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he didn't succeed, mostly because he didn't want to succeed. What he wanted was to go to the doctor because his foot hurt.

 

Let me repeat myself: He sawed at his wrist with a butter knife, drawing blood and cutting through flesh because he wanted to go to the doctor because his FOOT HURT.

 

It seems that he may have cut his toenails a little too short which may have led to an ingrown toenail/infection. My Uncle M had casually mentioned that my Aunt A might want to take his father (my grandfather) to the doctor but didn't say why or that this infection/pain had gone on for 4 days.

Uncle M ignored my grandfather's foot infection for four days before casually mentioning to Aunt A that she might want to take him to the doctor, rather than take my grandfather himself, possibly because taking him to the doctor would have inconvenienced him.

Would my aunt mind taking him to the doctor? Of course not. But she had work that day and as far as she knew, there wasn't anything wrong except that my grandfather likes to go see the doctor. So, after everyone but my aunt had gone to work, my grandfather set about slicing at this wrist. She found him bleeding in his armchair. She asked him why he did it and his response was, "The doctor told me to do it because it helps bring the blood pressure down in my head."

Did I mention that he also overdosed on medication a year ago because he misunderstood the number of pills the doctor told him to take? Oddly, it didn't faze him when he thought the doctor said it was okay to take 70 pills at a time. I may be exaggerating the number but I don't think it's by much.

 

I apologize, I'm wandering from the point (which is me). I find it difficult to initiate and maintain relationships because I worry that selfishness is inbred in me. My mother once told me that if she could do it over again, she wouldn't have married my father. Thanks, mom; I'm not sure what that says about my sister's and my existence or how much my father loves you.

For me, it's a question of whether I'm able to give another person the attention that person deserves. Whether I'm actually capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. I already know I'm intensely selfish and that, right now, it's difficult for me to think beyond myself unless it has to do with parts of my family. I know I'm emotionally stunted in the sense that I find it difficult to reach out to someone in a meaningful way.

That doesn't bode well for my romantic future.

I've been so afraid of falling in to the same kind of relationship trap that my parents (and in a small part, my sister) fell in to, where they're dissatisfied with their spouse (only vaguely on my sister's part). I'm afraid that I'll either die alone or settle for someone who will do.

I don't know of anything that would hurt me more than to find out that, to my romantic partner, I'll do. That I'm not the one he/she was hoping for but they would settle for me. That I'm okay. I know that sense of romanticism is kind of naive and idealistic but for all my cynicism, I want to find someone who can look at me, warts and all, and think, Damn, that is one fine catch. She's the one for me.

I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid of romance. I'm afraid of entering in to that area of my life experience that I've ignored for so long. I'm afraid of dating, of opening myself up to someone only to be found wanting. I'm afraid to find someone who loves me because I'm afraid that I'll damage them with my selfishness.

I feel like I have so much working against me:

My Aunt L (on my mother's side) has moved to another country to work and live while still married to a man she no longer loves because she doesn't want to 1) be divorced in the eyes of God (I don't even want to talk about how stupid this is) and 2) separate their assets. My Uncle S, on the other hand, wants her to liquidate her retirement savings in order to buy him a new car.

She also told my sister, after my mother died, that my sister may have caused my mother's cancer because of how difficult my sister's birth was.

Uncle M was fired from his job with the airline (a very well-paying job) because they found out he was drinking on the job. He then liquidated all my aunt's retirement savings in order to fund his (ill-conceived) sweat shop in China, spending years just pissing around the country, drinking it up with his buddies and half-assing a job there, bringing nothing to his family.

My Grandfather married a woman when he was about 20, a much older woman, stayed one day then ran away to the army where he then met and married my grandmother. His first (and technically, only) wife bore him a son from their one and only encounter who he didn't meet until that son was a grown man.

 

Look at this. This is what I bring with me. Is it any wonder I don't want to have children, to pass on everything that is horrible about these people to another generation? I'm tired of being alone but I'm afraid I don't know how to be anything else. I'm afraid I'll damage another person.

I'm afraid.

And I'm sorry, this is probably really depressing and really disjointed. It's 1 am, I'm at work and I'm trying to sort this whole thing out.

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