WARNING: THIS IS LONG-ISH AND DEPRESSING. YOU'RE WELCOME TO SKIP THIS.
So I've been thinking about how to write this post for a while. For me, as an intensely private person, I find it difficult to publicly soul-search but at the same time, I have questions about myself that I need to bounce off someone who may judge me but at the same time, is not nearby so I won't see you judging me.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, here goes:
About two weeks ago, my grandfather tried to kill himself. It was one more selfish act in a long line of selfish acts from an intensely selfish and self-absorbed man. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), he didn't succeed, mostly because he didn't want to succeed. What he wanted was to go to the doctor because his foot hurt.
Let me repeat myself: He sawed at his wrist with a butter knife, drawing blood and cutting through flesh because he wanted to go to the doctor because his FOOT HURT.
It seems that he may have cut his toenails a little too short which may have led to an ingrown toenail/infection. My Uncle M had casually mentioned that my Aunt A might want to take his father (my grandfather) to the doctor but didn't say why or that this infection/pain had gone on for 4 days.
Uncle M ignored my grandfather's foot infection for four days before casually mentioning to Aunt A that she might want to take him to the doctor, rather than take my grandfather himself, possibly because taking him to the doctor would have inconvenienced him.
Would my aunt mind taking him to the doctor? Of course not. But she had work that day and as far as she knew, there wasn't anything wrong except that my grandfather likes to go see the doctor. So, after everyone but my aunt had gone to work, my grandfather set about slicing at this wrist. She found him bleeding in his armchair. She asked him why he did it and his response was, "The doctor told me to do it because it helps bring the blood pressure down in my head."
Did I mention that he also overdosed on medication a year ago because he misunderstood the number of pills the doctor told him to take? Oddly, it didn't faze him when he thought the doctor said it was okay to take 70 pills at a time. I may be exaggerating the number but I don't think it's by much.
I apologize, I'm wandering from the point (which is me). I find it difficult to initiate and maintain relationships because I worry that selfishness is inbred in me. My mother once told me that if she could do it over again, she wouldn't have married my father. Thanks, mom; I'm not sure what that says about my sister's and my existence or how much my father loves you.
For me, it's a question of whether I'm able to give another person the attention that person deserves. Whether I'm actually capable of sustaining a healthy relationship. I already know I'm intensely selfish and that, right now, it's difficult for me to think beyond myself unless it has to do with parts of my family. I know I'm emotionally stunted in the sense that I find it difficult to reach out to someone in a meaningful way.
That doesn't bode well for my romantic future.
I've been so afraid of falling in to the same kind of relationship trap that my parents (and in a small part, my sister) fell in to, where they're dissatisfied with their spouse (only vaguely on my sister's part). I'm afraid that I'll either die alone or settle for someone who will do.
I don't know of anything that would hurt me more than to find out that, to my romantic partner, I'll do. That I'm not the one he/she was hoping for but they would settle for me. That I'm okay. I know that sense of romanticism is kind of naive and idealistic but for all my cynicism, I want to find someone who can look at me, warts and all, and think, Damn, that is one fine catch. She's the one for me.
I'm afraid of relationships. I'm afraid of romance. I'm afraid of entering in to that area of my life experience that I've ignored for so long. I'm afraid of dating, of opening myself up to someone only to be found wanting. I'm afraid to find someone who loves me because I'm afraid that I'll damage them with my selfishness.
I feel like I have so much working against me:
My Aunt L (on my mother's side) has moved to another country to work and live while still married to a man she no longer loves because she doesn't want to 1) be divorced in the eyes of God (I don't even want to talk about how stupid this is) and 2) separate their assets. My Uncle S, on the other hand, wants her to liquidate her retirement savings in order to buy him a new car.
She also told my sister, after my mother died, that my sister may have caused my mother's cancer because of how difficult my sister's birth was.
Uncle M was fired from his job with the airline (a very well-paying job) because they found out he was drinking on the job. He then liquidated all my aunt's retirement savings in order to fund his (ill-conceived) sweat shop in China, spending years just pissing around the country, drinking it up with his buddies and half-assing a job there, bringing nothing to his family.
My Grandfather married a woman when he was about 20, a much older woman, stayed one day then ran away to the army where he then met and married my grandmother. His first (and technically, only) wife bore him a son from their one and only encounter who he didn't meet until that son was a grown man.
Look at this. This is what I bring with me. Is it any wonder I don't want to have children, to pass on everything that is horrible about these people to another generation? I'm tired of being alone but I'm afraid I don't know how to be anything else. I'm afraid I'll damage another person.
And I'm sorry, this is probably really depressing and really disjointed. It's 1 am, I'm at work and I'm trying to sort this whole thing out.
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